She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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