I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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