We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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