Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
