Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
