Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
