I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize