i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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