I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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