If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
