all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I am available for nakedness
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
