Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize