I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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