she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
