we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
