Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize