I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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