One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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