My Higher Power is John Stamos
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
