Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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