gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You have to summon your inner elephant
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
