She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
