Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
