There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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