I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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