I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
