Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
