There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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