sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
