Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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