This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize