We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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