dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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