when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
