sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
