I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
