Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
