just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
