dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
