Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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