Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
