It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
