chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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