I smell stomach acid.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize