When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
