dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
