So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
