Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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