Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
