Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
