Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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