Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
