its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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