cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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