theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize