ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
