I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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