yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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