after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
