I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
