dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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