I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
