When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
