I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
